Leighton's Birth Story: Part 1

Four months later and I’m finally getting this written out. Just how I did Maren’s, I wrote this to Leighton in the hopes that one day she will enjoy reading it. Leighton’s story is so much different than Maren’s, I don’t want to say “better” because I truly don’t believe that…the parts of Maren’s birth story that were easy, were hard this time, and visa versa. But overall, I am so thankful to have had the joyful, healing, intimate birth this time around that I had been praying for.

Hi sweet girl. That’s what your middle name means – sweet. Or, depending on where it originated from, it can also mean “blessed” or “bright and shining light”. You truly were a light, coming to us in the middle of a global pandemic, giving us something to look forward to. We had no idea when the pandemic would end, when vaccines would be available and get us closer to the end, and if life would ever be normal again. But, when I saw that second line on the pregnancy test, I felt a divine confidence that by the time you were born, we wouldn’t have to fear this illness anymore and you would be born into a world that was on it’s way to the New Normal.

      I started out the pregnancy knowing that things had to be different this time. While your sister’s birth was probably the best it could be given the circumstances, I had learned so much and matured in my trust in my own body and refused to let the same thing happen again (an unnecessary induction based on what I call “fake” gestational hypertension). I loved the idea of birthing outside of the hospital completely, whether it was at home or at a birth center, but knew it was likely not financially feasible for us. So, I began my care at Kaiser.

     Immediately, things did not feel right. First of all, I was not able to bring along your dad due to the pandemic. I thought I wouldn’t really care, but going to that first appointment alone was actually extremely disappointing and a bit stressful. I had no idea what I was going to see on the ultrasound and really wanted my support person there. It was such an odd appointment…instead of the warm, anticipatory atmosphere that we had at my first appointment with Maren, the atmosphere was cold and matter of fact. She stuck the ultrasound inside of me and didn’t even say anything. I had to confirm – that’s a heartbeat right? There’s only one, right? Then, she asked to bring in an OB to confirm dating and she looked a little panicked. I know my body well, and tried to explain that I ovulate late in my cycle which always leads to dating looking off at the first ultrasound. She still wanted to confirm with this OB, though, which is fine, but there I was just laying there slightly panicking about what was going on, which totally stole from my ability to look at my tiny baby on the screen and get excited. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but it felt like the whole room (there were 3 people looking at the ultrasound) was acting very matter of fact, stale, and unemotional, so I felt like it was going to be awkward if I let myself get excited or emotional, or even pull out my phone! It wasn’t until the MA said “hey, this is your baby, get out your phone and record!” that I felt free to do so. Then, the midwife left without printing me any ultrasounds. I had to go find the MA again and ask if I could please have at least one picture of my baby. It was so odd..

From that appointment on, for the next 16 weeks, I basically felt like at every appointment I had to fight fight fight. I will spare you all the details. However, all of that fighting, believe or not, affected my blood pressure! Which leads me to the final straw…at my last appointment before I decided something needed to change, the midwife I saw that day brought up my blood pressure and history. At each of my Kaiser appointments this pregnancy, my BP was slightly high (just how it had been with Maren’s pregnancy), but not a concerning “high”. I was only maybe 12 weeks at this point, and tried to talk to the midwife about how I thought things went wrong last time and that this time I would not need to be induced due to it not really being necessary last time. I told her I believed my blood pressure was just slightly high at these appointments because I was nervous about it being high and history repeating itself. Instead of offering me reassurance or any suggestions of things I could do to lower my BP, she simply said, “Don’t worry, if it continues to be elevated we will just go ahead and diagnose you with gestation HTN again! Until then, just try not to worry.” I’m sorry, what?? Your advice is “just try not to worry”, after telling me that you’ve basically already decided that I’m gong to be diagnosed and induced again?! I couldn’t believe it.

Beautiful maternity photos done by Sarah Dawson Photography

Now, I already knew things would be different this time because I planned on refusing an induction and opting for as many NSTs as Kaiser wanted me to do. I could settle for that being as “different” as it would look this time. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that me and my baby, you, deserved better than settling. I began to suffer from constant anxiety, and a lot of my unprocessed grief over Maren’s birth (or moreso, everything leading up to her birth) was coming to the surface. Honestly, the first trimester of my pregnancy with you was not as happy, anticipatory, or peaceful as it deserved to be. I knew you could feel my anxiety and I hated that. Something had to change.

I had hired my good friend (more like family!) Becca as our doula, as that was one of the things I knew I wanted this time in order to help have a birth closer to what I desired. She was helping me process a lot of this anxiety, and mentioned a couple of times the option to birth at the birth center she was working at, California Birth Center. (Becca is a student midwife and midwife assistant at the birth center, as well as running her doula business. This comes into play later). Every time she mentioned it, I brushed it off saying that there was no way we could afford that. Deep down, however, I wanted that option so bad. I just felt completely stuck. I began praying about everything I was feeling. I pleaded with God, and laid out my frustrations and desires…”Lord, I know you can’t guarantee anything, but I kinda want a guarantee. I NEED things to be different this time. I trust you and your plan for me and this birth…I desire a healing, holy birth experience where I feel safe and taken care of. Please give me options.”

It wasn’t long after I began praying this prayer that the birth center announced they would be giving away a FREE birth to celebrate their anniversary. I couldn’t believe it!! I entered to win, knowing it was a slim chance but wanting to try anyway. The date came when they would be announcing the winner, and it wasn’t me. I remember driving to work that day, disappointed but also not shocked that I didn’t win. Lots of moms entered and it would have been a miracle if I was chosen. But, I didn’t stop believing for my miracle. I continued to pray, asking God for another way to have this birth.

I was driving home from work later that day, and stopped at a Starbucks drive through for an afternoon pick me up. I was sitting there in the drive thru when my phone buzzed with an email notification. It was the owner of the birth center, and she was sending out a thank you email to all who entered the giveaway. I almost ignored it, thinking it was just going to add salt to the wound, but I decided to read it anyway. This email was not only to thank those who entered…it was also to offer a significant discount to those of us who entered if we chose to birth at the birth center. I immediately cried. This discount was enough that I thought, we would be a fool to ignore this. I called your dad and said, “Kyle I have been praying and I just know this is straight from God. This is how we are getting our different birth. We are birthing at the birth center.” He didn’t have a choice. 😉 But, of course, he was 100% supportive and excited. I emailed back immediately and booked my first prenatal appointment for 16 weeks.

Long back story…I know. But it is important to know how your birth story began. If it wasn’t for all of this turmoil in the first trimester, your birth certainly would have looked different. I am sure it would have been beautiful in it’s own way, but I am so SO grateful we were given the chance to birth outside of the hospital. I could go on and on about the experience but it was night and day. Instead of being told “I’m just going to diagnose you anyway” regarding my blood pressure, the midwives at the birth center gave me practical things to do to take charge and assist my body in staying healthy. When I expressed fear that my umbilical hernia repair would tear during pregnancy to the Kaiser midwives, they approached it with an attitude of “well, you’ll just repair it again after pregnancy if that happens.” The midwives at the birth center? They immediately gave me recommendations on bands to wear to support my hernia and suggested an ointment I could put on my belly button to help the skin. The care was so wholesome and loving. I felt taken care of, mind, body, and soul – truly.

Anyway…let’s get to your birth! To be continued…